Ah, Mother’s Day. That wonderful time when we must be delighted with garish corsages and spilled food because that’s what mothers do. We give our brain cells, our skin cells, our hearts, our energy, and then feel guilty for ever complaining about anything because we have these delightful human beings we’ve created beaming up at us.
Then life happens, and at some point we will all blame our mothers for every insecurity and life misstep.
Here are nine other things that put the “mother” in motherhood:
- Giving birth. While miraculous, pushing another complete human being into the world is rarely done without some collateral damage. If there is any justice in this world, someday a man will have to pass a kidney stone that weights 8 lbs. 12 ounces.
- Breastfeeding. If you haven’t done it, try this – pour some sticky liquid into your bra and then pull the hair under your arms with great force. That’s what it feels like when your milk comes in. The La Leche league will tell you it’s beautiful. Don’t argue with them; they can make the Hell’s Angels look laid back.
- Diapers. Since I am one step away from Depends, I’m not going to complain about this one. I guess we should all be thankful for anything that catches unwanted fluids.
- Field Trips. Unless you unequivocally love all other children, avoid field trips like the plague. What people don’t tell you is how unbelievably annoying other people’s children are.
- Mothers’ Mornings Out. It sounds like so much fun, until you realize that most moms have to bring their kids. So we stand in line at Hardee’s, and run outside to change a diaper, and wipe biscuits and gravy off of shirts, and have a chunk of food dropped into our Coke, and then we go home and do exactly the same thing.
- Yard Sales. The cost of these little beings will require some yard sale mornings where you sell whatever you can to buy something new. Be ready for labeling stuff in your house for months, then getting up at 5:00 a.m. because the flea market people are pounding on your door wanting to know if you have any Little Tykes stuff for sale.
- Bad Movies. Once your children are born you will spend at least 10 years in front of badly made movies with characters who all have the same nasal, high-pitched voices that will, at some point, make your ears bleed.
- No Sleep. That’s right, from the time your child’s head hits the air you will never sleep again. Whether it’s vomiting or boredom or a late-night party you will always have one eye open.
- Idiocy. My daughter argued with me at the age of two and often won. It was then that I realized she and her brother had robbed me of my best brain cells and then tortured me with sleep deprivation. Those cute little beings are not as innocent as you might think.
Motherhood can be a mother. But with all of the lack of sleep and bad movies and yard sales we realize that our children have our hearts in their hands – and we never ever want to have to face this life without them. Yes, it’s even worth the sound of vomiting at 3:00 a.m.
That’s the biggest “mother” of them all.