It’s almost the start of football season, and although the draft and signing days have passed I wondered what it would look like if I could draft the perfect Mom Team. This team would require multiple star players because NO ONE CAN DO ALL THIS SHIT THEMSELVES. Mom’s hold so many hats and are only one person, but let’s face it there really should be eleven of us, with a backup team at the ready.
Here is the mom combine, would you pass?
Ability to carry an squirming, screaming, and flailing child through a crowded space, preferably with as many obstacles in her way, while her bra strap is falling off and others look on in horror.
Capable of whipping up a meal in under 30 minutes, cheese and noodles may be involved but it totally counts.
Ability to get from point A to B directly, while not forgetting her purpose in a room regardless if there are three children arguing, or objects strewn all over her path.
Clean a room in under 3 minutes. Throwing shit in the closet is totally acceptable.
Strap a child, who assumes a stiff as a board move, into their car seat without losing her patience, in under 1 minute.
Always maintains a steady supply of options – crayons, snacks, porta potty, you name it this chick’s got you covered.
Confidence in navigating a grocery store with at least one toddler or baby, who has not had their nap and is trying to dive head first backwards into the moving cart.
Is capable of doing a french braid (fish tail is bonus), throwing a football, playing a musical instrument (or singing), a kart wheel, or origami while answering specific questions from another child like why is the sky blue? why do butterflies have all those pretty colors? how are babies born?
Can do homework with her child patiently and without losing her shit. If you have more than one child ability to do with multiple simultaneously is an automatic first down position.
Can load and unload the dishwasher while making a healthy breakfast for four children, only of which two are her own (indicating an ability to handle multiple child sleepovers) and one requires a special dietary meal.