Super Mom

30 Must Have Mom Skills

It’s almost the start of football season, and although the draft and signing days have passed I wondered what it would look like if I could draft the perfect Mom Team. This team would require multiple star players because NO ONE CAN DO ALL THIS SHIT THEMSELVES. Mom’s hold so many hats and are only one person, but let’s face it there really should be eleven of us, with a backup team at the ready.

Here is the mom combine, would you pass?

  1. Ability to carry an squirming, screaming, and flailing child through a crowded space, preferably with as many obstacles in her way, while her bra strap is falling off and others look on in horror.
  2. Capable of whipping up a meal in under 30 minutes, cheese and noodles may be involved but it totally counts.
  3. Ability to get from point A to B directly, while not forgetting her purpose in a room regardless if there are three children arguing, or objects strewn all over her path.
  4. Clean a room in under 3 minutes. Throwing shit in the closet is totally acceptable.
  5. Strap a child, who assumes a stiff as a board move, into their car seat without losing her patience, in under 1 minute.
  6. Always maintains a steady supply of options – crayons, snacks, porta potty, you name it this chick’s got you covered.
  7. Confidence in navigating a grocery store with at least one toddler or baby, who has not had their nap and is trying to dive head first backwards into the moving cart.
  8. Is capable of doing a french braid (fish tail is bonus), throwing a football, playing a musical instrument (or singing), a kart wheel, or origami while answering specific questions from another child like why is the sky blue? why do butterflies have all those pretty colors? how are babies born?
  9. Can do homework with her child patiently and without losing her shit. If you have more than one child ability to do with multiple simultaneously is an automatic first down position.
  10. Can fold and put the laundry away in the same day, if within the same hour grab this lady quickly -she’s gonna go fast.
  11. Can load and unload the dishwasher while making a healthy breakfast for four children, only of which two are her own (indicating an ability to handle multiple child sleepovers) and one requires a special dietary meal.
  12. Capable of planning and making five out of seven dinners a week.
  13. Ability to know where all rogue shoes, backpacks, and missing library books are at any given time.
  14. Can sign a permission slip/write a check out while driving.
  15. Has extra supplies on hand for that eleventh hour diorama of the U.S. Constitution signing needed for 4th grade history class tomorrow.
  16. Knows the Pythagorean theorem and it’s application. (Hell can SPELL pythagorean theorem!)
  17. Can wake children, get them dressed, fed, and to school on time – every day, even when weather conditions are harsh.
  18. Knows the dentist, doctors, and insurance group number by heart in order to fill out the million school/activity forms needed at beginning of school.
  19. Has free time to volunteer in each child’s class, or school at least one day a week – and enjoys it.
  20. Can step on a Lego or other small object and not be rendered useless.
  21. Can bake cookies, breads, muffins for school events and have all be edible. Bonus if she doesn’t eat any of them.
  22. Knows all the words to her child’s favorite pop song.
  23. Never losses her keys or phone, or child.
  24. Uses her child’s latest shitastrophy as a life lesson moment verse a moment to go into orbit.
  25. Can exist on less than five hours of sleep for long stretches of time.
  26. Can talk an adolescent/teenager into changing inappropriate outfit without an epic fit.
  27. Barely registers the eye rolling and heavy sighs child will throw at her daily.
  28. Can fix all technological issues that may arise daily – Xbox on the fritz? Laptop froze? TV has no volume? No problem! (BTW all these things happened today at my house)
  29. Will handle all bodily fluids with nary a glance or gag.
  30. Can open up a cold drink bottle without a bottle opener.

Imagine having a bench full of Mom’s to pull from and put in for every instance needed, after all it takes a village doesn’t it?

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